Go ahead and eat the whopper, dude. You know they flame-broil the burgers here, which is kind of good for you – it burns off all the fat and bad stuff. And didn’t you just say “light on the mayo”? That’s really very responsible. Plus the whopper has tomatoes (a vegetable), onions (good for your cholesterol) and sesame seeds on the bun (really good for your HDL or whatever the good cholesterol is). And since you know the fries are cooked in oil with no trans fat, you are a making a consciously smart health choice. Plus you didn’t eat any breakfast, so you’re kind of “owed” the calories from earlier in the day.

Best of all, your choice of a regular soda may actually be life extending, since those artificial sweeteners have all kinds of bad effects on lab rats. Make it a Dr. Pepper, since you’ll need the caffeine to stay up and watch the Phillies.

Dude, you think you’re overweight? Check out that lady right there, she’s huge! I mean does she really think a diet soda is going to make a difference? You are virtually a marathon runner next to her.

So now you're ready for the feel-good field test. The way this works is that you are reassured by your friends or complete strangers that you’re not really overweight. That you look good. Young. It validates that your choices really are working.

I was checking into a hotel in Kentucky today and the person at the front desk said that my colleague (who wasn’t there) looked great (he’s been on a 4 month diet). Seizing the opportunity for a field test, I said, “yeah he’s been telling me I need to catch up with him and lose some weight too.” I stressed the “some” part with great inflection, and fully expected this very overweight woman to say, “you’re not fat” or “he’s crazy, you look awesome”. I cocked an eyebrow and waited. She put a hand on her hip and said “me too, I’m really overweight.”

“Me too”? Didn’t she know this was a field test? Ok, I didn’t say, “You? You’re not really overweight.” She was. I wasn’t. That’s why she was selected for the test. I wear a size 34 jeans. I can squeak into a size large Hanes T-shirt. I eat vegetables with my whoppers.

I am looking for another field test participant. In the mean time, I’m thinking about moving over to more healthy fast food. I hear that the chicken rings at White Castle are pretty good.

#flame broiled

Fatty Field Test